Updated: Apr 7
Reclaiming Your SELF From CODEPENDENCY
Do you know a key feature to dysfunctional relationships is codependency and it actually might be with you?
A lot of people don't understand what codependency is.
Look at the following questions and think about whether or not these are familiar dysfunctional patterns in your life.
Is This You?
Are you sick and tired of being in one-sided relationships?
Have you settled for breadcrumbs and are practically starving in your relationship?
Do your relationships start out like they are perfect then become emotionally destructive?
Do you repeat patterns of giving too much without much in return?
Have you lost your sense of self-worth and your self-esteem is decreasing?
If you answered “yes” to some of these questions you may be codependent. Read on to learn how to develop healthy habits and become codependent no more!
Think about codependency like this.
If you try to control an outcome of another person, or you try to manage someone else’s behavior by either doing something or not doing something, that is codependency.
For example, “I won’t say (x) in an attempt to control them from being mad.” Or, “I will do (x) in order to get them to stay calm tonight.
That is YOU engaging in a way that is NOT healthy and crossing boundaries.
Setting Boundaries in Copdependant Relationships
Boundaries are an issue with people who are codependent. There typically is a LACK of important boundaries with codependent people and they tend to allow their boundaries to be violated because that is the familiar pattern that got them love in their formative years.
They needed to forgo their boundaries to receive the much needed love and attention as they grew up. Most codependents (whether it is conscious or not) grew up as an extension of someone else and needed to take care of someone else’s emotions in order to be seen, heard or loved. Much of their identity was largely based on giving up their own identity because that was the only way they felt loved.
In a codependent’s early life, there was a lack of clarity where someone else began and where they ended. Codependents were typically made to be or feel responsible for how other people felt in order to receive love and attention from that person. From an early age, relationships were one-sided.
An adult who is codependent now, most likely grew up being or feeling invisible to others as a child. Now, their mission is to feel seen, heard and valued based on someone else’s opinion of them.
This is the problem. The solution is to learn the opposite, which is developing a new brain muscle called, “WORTHINESS” which is not based on anyone else’s thoughts, feelings, and opinions…you just are worthy, unconditionally.
Codependents never really felt worthy growing up, so they become adults and pick partners subconsciously to “fix” in others what they couldn’t fix as children. In other words, they are trying to control an outcome that previously was out of their control. This however, leaves people in a bind. The truth is, you have no control over other people’s thoughts, feelings, and actions. Your behavior can influence and contribute to unhealthy patterns but the only person you are truly responsible for is you. You can control your thoughts, feelings and actions and it is time to begin doing that now.
The worst part about boundary violations is when YOU violate your own boundaries. This dysfunctional pattern of violating your own agreements to yourself is the most painful realization, yet one of the most powerful awareness’ at the same time.
Once you discover that you need to and you can trust yourself and listen to your gut, your inner guidance, your intuition, and you stop ignoring it, you will be heading down the right path to emotional wellness and peace of mind. No more breaking your agreements or promises to yourself. No more violating your own boundaries. No more giving up your wants, needs, thoughts and feelings for another. Be codependent no more!
How To Separate From Codependency
Daily and consistent investment in yourself is the kind of work you need to be doing in order to free yourself from codependency and create the life you love to live. A simple practice you can start today to reclaim your life from codependency is to make lists of what things in your life are okay with you and what are not okay with you.
Whatever is going on in your life will fit one category or the other. Most people live on autopilot going through their days without this mindful awareness. If you look at your life and examine the patterns, you will be able to recognize what patterns are serving you and which are not. Once you are clear about the things you want to keep and the things you want to stay away from, you can begin the journey to create the outcomes you desire.
You need this type of clarity, as it is the key to begin your healing journey from codependency and reclaiming your SELF again. You matter. YOU are worthy. YOU are valuable. YOU have an important voice that deserves to be heard.
So much trust has been broken. This is a lifelong pattern for codependents. Codependents have been repeatedly violated, dismissed, and devalued so what they have learned is to ignore, dismiss and devalue themselves in favor of another. This mostly subconscious pattern is repeated until something better is learned and new behaviors are in place and practiced routinely over time. The codependent doesn’t feel their world is safe because trust is continuously broken.
To reclaim your life from codependency, a person must start at the core of their mistrust…within. Start listening to yourself once again. Stop ignoring red flags. Set boundaries and keep your agreement with yourself. Take time for yourself to do things YOU love. Create emotional freedom from codependency. Reclaim the life you are meant to live. Trust is an inside job. Once you develop the consistent practice of loving and trusting yourself, and you stop allowing yourself to be convinced the another person’s perspective is more important than your own, you will stop abandoning yourself and start filling yourself up instead of wanting, needing or expecting someone else to do it.
Codependents feel devastated and empty when others don’t understand them. It feels as if their world isn’t valid if someone else doesn’t understand, approve, or agree with them. This is a formula for inner chaos. In order to experience stability and peace, people have to be able to have and tolerate differing thoughts, feelings, and opinions.
The bottom line is this. The only approval necessary is your own approval of what is okay and not okay with you. No one needs to validate you for you to know it is ok to feel how you feel. Your feelings are not negotiable. They are yours. They are valid and real regardless of what anyone else says.
Your Healing Starts Now
Heal from the inside. Don’t wait to start your healing journey. You are your most important investment. Take time each day to spend time nurturing, loving, caring for and being kind to yourself.
The only person you can control is yourself and no one else. It is not appropriate or healthy to be in other people’s business. Learn to develop mutually satisfying relationships.
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