Couples SAY they want a good relationship but what ACTUALLY ends up happening is nothing short of debilitating dysfunction between two people.
The desired fairy-tale-like love can become a living nightmare. Relationships, without the right skills, crumble in the wake of conflict, disconnection, and lack of education. We all need the right strategies in order to live a happy life. We aren’t born knowing how to do it well, and we know good role models are few and far between. So, YOU have to be the one to figure out HOW to make your relationship great. In this article, you will read 3 of the most powerful skills you could use to create an incredible, happy, healthy relationship taught by one of the world’s leading experts on relationships, licensed Psychotherapist, Dilyse Diaz. If you can say, “All I want is to have a happy, healthy, loving, respectful relationship,” then you will need to learn, practice, and master these 3 powerful techniques. When these behaviors become habits, you're able to actually mean it when you say, “I love my relationship. We have a peaceful partnership and a loving, indestructible bond.”
The 3 Skills Required for a Thriving Relationship:
1. OPEN and CLEAR COMMUNICATION
More than anything, a relationship with open, clear communication, connects two individuals in a beautiful, powerful way. The ability to communicate well is a learned and practiced skill. Most were not raised with stellar role models when it comes to effective communication, so you will need to do some reprogramming if you want to become a good communicator. Healthy, open, clear communication forms a connection that decreases stress and conflict. What Is “Good Communication?” Good communication is a two-part process and can be defined as the ability to OPENLY (without judgment or defensiveness) share anything you are feeling or thinking, along with your individual philosophies about life, along with LISTENING to your partner share their thoughts, feelings, and perspective on things, (without judgment or defensiveness). If you are able to do this with a calm, kind, loving energy during conversations and discussions, you are amongst a small group of good communicators.
Requirements to Qualify as “Good Communication” There are a few important caveats to communication you need to understand. First, communication isn’t just “talking.” Good communication also requires listening intently and genuinely to what someone else is saying. The back and forth in a conversation, like a nice tennis game, is often missed because one talks over the other and no one is really “LISTENING” to anything. Listening is the crucial flip-side portion of communication people usually miss. (FYI…just because you listen intently, doesn’t mean you are in agreement or have to agree with what is being discussed). Listening respectfully, and seeking to understand your partner’s point of view creates an environment where each party feels heard, understood, and therefore, VALUED. After all, how can a relationship be happy and healthy if one, or both of you, don’t feel valued? It can’t thrive under those circumstances.
The Beautiful Result of Good Communication Engaging in open communication, listening to what is being shared, and connecting on a deeper level so both people in the relationship feel valued, appreciated, and accepted “as is” is a GAME CHANGER. Master this and your entire relationship will be better. When two people can hold a discussion without fear of judgment or criticism, just simply understanding the different perspectives and opinions without a problem, your connection will be stronger, intimacy will be more intense, and overall, you both will feel peaceful and content.
Tune in to the same station
Think of great communication like tuning in to the same radio station at the same time. You are hearing the same lyrics to the same song. On the contrary, when communication is off and you are yelling, talking over each other, criticizing, or dismissing each other, it’s equivalent to one of you listening to classical piano while the other is blasting hard rock. You are off. You will not get what you need because you are not tuned in similarly.
Strengthen your signal
On another note, if you fail to:
-openly communicate
-shut down
-don’t express what you want
-don’t talk about how you feel
-lack clarity with what you don’t like and don’t like
-fail to share your likes and dislikes
then you are responsible for emitting a “poor radio signal.” The weak signal you are giving off is like “static,” making clear communication virtually impossible. With static comes conflict. You need a strong, clear signal to hear what is really being said. Weak signals (poor communication) leads to frustration, anger, and eventually emotional distancing.
Want to improve your communication? Try these simple rules. -Really tune in to what is being said without getting defensive. -Listen more. -Talk less. -Repeat what you hear. -Don’t argue with their point of view. -Remind yourself it is perfectly OKAY to have two different opinions. Seriously. So many fights are about a severe deficit in the ability to effectively communicate. Make it your mission when you sit down to talk, to listen without interruption and clarify what you are hearing by repeating what you hear. Be kind, respectful and interested. Going in to every conversation with clarity about what you want to result from the conversation will also be beneficial.
Make effective communication a top priority in your relationship by practicing these skills.
2. Honesty and Transparency
I will just shoot straight here. Whether it is a little omission, a tiny white lie or a bold-faced lie, it is all a lack of honesty and integrity. Let’s be honest, any lack of honesty and transparency is damaging at some level to your relationship. Not be fully open and honesty still falls under the category of deception. In case you didn’t realize it, deception of any kind is a poison that kills any relationship over time.
Be Brave
Stop hiding things from your partner. If you can’t share everything about yourself with them, then why are you with them? I happen to think if you aren’t willing to share your REAL self with your chosen partner then that is a YOU problem, not a THEM problem. In other words, they are not to blame for your unwillingness to be your true, real, honest AUTHENTIC self in your relationship. If you don’t feel they will accept you, then I will ask you again, “WHY are you there?” Don’t you want someone who loves and accepts you for your flaws and all? Be brave. Be your true self. When someone says they love you, that needs to mean all of you, exactly as you are.
3. Freedom-Stop trying to control your partner
This can be tricky. I hear couples think they are just telling their partner “how they feel,” but really they want their partner to do something the way they want things done. Here is how you know the difference. If you are asking someone to be different, or do things in a certain way, you are controlling. If you are sharing how their behavior impacts you and what you would like for your life instead, then you are giving useful, important, valuable information.
How do you give information without controlling?
Simple, but not easy…Use “I” statements AND SAY WHAT YOU WANT. It is simply because the concept is straightforward, but the habits and knee-jerk reactions you have repeated your whole life, make changing your behavior more challenging. No worries, though. You can and will change when you practice the new behavior again and again for over 90 days. Then, and only then, your new behaviors will feel more natural and won’t require thought because you will have formed a new brain pathway of a new habit. Then, responding in a healthy way will be “easy.”
Let’s Practice information giving instead of control
Let’s say your family has slipped into the habit of yelling at each other. Instead of “You always yell and upset everyone. Stop yelling and just talk nicely!?” (That is controlling. You are trying to get them to change their behavior). Instead, say something like, “When I see fighting between the people I love the most, I feel anxious. I don’t like being yelled at. I want peaceful relationships in our home.”
I know what you are thinking…
“What if I do all these things, and they don’t change, and my relationship is still dysfunctional?”
Well, even in that thought you are trying to change your partner.
Look at your life. Change the behaviors you can change and naturally, you will observe a shift happen.
Once you improve your habits and behaviors, a few things happen. Your partner natural shifts because you are no longer tolerating or responding in the old, dysfunctional ways you used to so they have to change, or they will fall away because it is not a healthy and happy fit, or you will no longer desire old, unhealthy behaviors. They just won’t feel attractive to you any longer. Trust the process. Work on yourself first and pay attention to the miracles that happen. You create your experience by what you choose to allow in your life.
More Guidance
Do some writing. Make two columns down one sheet of paper. Write down a list on one side, what things you like and on the other side what don’t you like? Clarity about what is wanted and desired in your life is the first major step to improving the quality of your life as well as being open to attract and receive what you want. Work on YOURSELF. Practice engaging in behaviors you like and give energy and attention to what you want, and you will shift everything for the better. Trust the process of change. Different answers come from different behaviors and you won’t have those answers until you practice the new behaviors. Everything answer you want will reveal itself over time ONCE YOU CHANGE.
Remind yourself regularly…
The only person you are responsible for changing is YOURSELF.
The only person you can change is YOURSELF.
YOU are accountable for the quality of your life.
Make it a great life. You, no matter what you have done, what you have been through, are worth investing in. DECIDE to live a good life overflowing with the qualities you love and the people that support and love you as much as you love them.
Practice these 3 relationship skills and manifest the life and relationships you have always wanted. It is possible. I am happy for you. You are doing the work. Be proud of yourself and remember…you are loved.
Dilyse actively dedicates her life to helping people live a life of worthiness one on one in her California private practice and on her luxury destination retreats all around the world. If you are ready to take your life to the next level of joy, peace, happiness and mental freedom, contact Dilyse for intense personal growth and transformation. Dilyse@DilyseDiaz.com
